Who Said It?
A Whodunnit in Two Acts
by
Joseph P. Rogers
Cast of Characters
(In order of appearance)
ANNOUNCER
RAYMOND SANDERS (the show's host)
DONNA CORWIN ( a contestant)
PEGGY OTT (audience helper of Donna Corwin)
ADAM FRANKLIN (2nd contestant)
LUCY DORSEY (audience helper of Adam Franklin)
JOHN FRANCIS (3rd contestant)
NURSE for the show
GREG CAREY ( security chief for the show)
SECURITY OFFICER for the show
Act One
Scene I
THE SETTING: Three contestants and a host are in the middle of a television gameshow in front of an audience, which is also the play's audience.
ANNOUNCER (signaling to those on stage): We're back from commercial in five seconds. Four. Three. Two. One.
RAYMOND: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for our final round of "Who Said It?" We have a close match today. Our final categories are American Literature, British Literature, and Philosophy. Donna, you had control of the board before our break.
DONNA: I'd like American Literature.
RAYMOND (reading): "You're an extraordinary woman; how do you expect to lead an ordinary life?"
DONNA: I'm going to use my audience helper on that one, Raymond.
RAYMOND: This is your first use of your audience helper. If she gives the correct answer, you only get half the number of points, but you keep control of the board. (He looks at a card) And your audience helper is Peggy Ott. Peggy, where are you?
PEGGY (stands up in the audience): Here, Raymond.
RAYMOND: It's time to earn your keep. Can you help Donna out?
PEGGY: Yes, that quote is from Louisa May Alcott.
RAYMOND: Correct. Louisa was quite an extraordinary woman herself.
DONNA: I'll try another American Literature quote.
RAYMOND (reading): "Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." Who said it?
DONNA: That was Robert Frost
RAYMOND: Right again, and you now have the lead and still control the board.
DONNA: I'll stick with American Literature.
RAYMOND: Staying with a winner. Good strategy. (looking at card) "What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly." Who said it?
DONNA: Was that from Abraham Lincoln?
RAYMOND: No, that was a good guess, but our quote is from the Revolutionary War period rather than the Civil War. That quote was from Thomas Paine. Gentlemen, you still have time to catch Donna. Control of the board passes to you, Adam.
ADAM: I'll take British Literature.
RAYMOND (reading): "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
ADAM: That quote is from "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley.
RAYMOND: Right on the mark. Do you want the same category?
ADAM: Yes.
RAYMOND (reading): "Tell a man he is brave, and you help him to become so." Who said it?
ADAM: I'd like to use my audience helper.
RAYMOND: Your helper is your girlfriend, Lucy Dorsey. Lucy, we must be wearing you out today; Adam is asking for your help on every other question.
LUCY: I'm happy to help. And that quote was from Thomas Carlyle.
RAYMOND: Correct. Adam, you still have control of the board.
ADAM: British Literature, Raymond.
RAYMOND (reading): "Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
ADAM: I'll go to Lucy again on that question.
RAYMOND: Adam, I don't want to tell you how to play the game. You can use your audience helper as often as you want, but you know that you only get half the points when your audience helper answers the question for you. Why not try some other category?
ADAM: I want to play it this way.
RAYMOND: Okay, it's your call. And your strategy might prove to be a winner. Lucy, it's time to step up to the plate again.
LUCY: I'm having fun, Raymond. The quote is from J.R.R. Tolkien.
RAYMOND: Correct again. She's a sharp one, Adam. But we're out of British literature questions. You'll have to choose from either American Literature or Philosophy.
ADAM: I'll take American Literature.
RAYMOND: "No one worth possessing can be quite possessed."
ADAM: I'm going to my audience helper again.
RAYMOND: We should just have you two switch places.
ADAM: I brought her here to work. I have the right to use her as much as I want.
RAYMOND: Easy, big fella. I'm just having a little fun with you. Lucy?"
LUCY: Sorry, I don't know. My best guess would be Mark Twain.
RAYMOND: Sorry. That's from Sara Teasdale. Mark Twain was a good try, though; he's the American author from whom we get the most quotes.
ADAM (moving forward): Dammit, Lucy! You were an English major. I thought that you'd know all of these!
LUCY: I'm sorry, but I'm stronger in British literature than American literature.
RAYMOND: Adam, go back to your spot. We need to continue the game.
ADAM: Stop telling me what to do.
RAYMOND: Adam, if you don't calm down, we'll need to have security remove you.
ADAM (moving back to his place): Fine. I'll play your little game. (adds in a lower voice) And then we'll play mine.
RAYMOND: John, we haven't heard from you for a while, but you finally have control of the board again.
JOHN: Thanks, Raymond, I'll give Philosophy a try.
RAYMOND: All right, and here's the quote: "Wisdom begins in wonder." Who said it?
JOHN: That's from Socrates.
RAYMOND: Correct. Those old Greeks knew a thing or two. And John is now tied for the lead with Donna.
JOHN: I'll stay with Philosophy.
RAYMOND: Next quote: "When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody will believe them."
JOHN: That's from Plato, Socrate's student.
RAYMOND: Right you are. This guy knows his Greeks.
(A buzzer sounds)
RAYMOND: That's all folks. And it looks like John moved into first place with that last answer. John Francis, the comeback kid! You'll be playing our bonus round in a few minutes, but first let's say good-bye to our two other contestant. Donna, you played a good game; John just edged past you with his last answer. Adam, sorry things didn't work out for you, but we have some nice prizes for you and Donna.
ADAM: You can keep your damn consolation prizes! I was treated unfairly on this show! I'm going to sue if I'm not given a re-match!
RAYMOND: Adam, your temper is going to make a lot of work for our tape editors. They're going to have to remove your outbursts from the broadcast version of this show.
ADAM: They don't need to bother. This show shouldn't go on the air. I want to do it again. Let's start over. Right here! Right now!
RAYMOND: Sorry. We have a schedule to keep. We'll have our staff and our lawyer review the show and, if they find any mistake that hurt your chances of winning, you'll be invited back for a future show.
ADAM: Yeah, I'm sure that you can't wait to have me back. I'll be talking to my own lawyer. You can count on that! (He storms off the stage)
ANNOUNCER: Hold for editing. (signals to Raymond)
RAYMOND: After a few words from our sponser, we'll be back to see if John Francis, our comeback kid, can hit a home run in the bonus round.
(RAYMOND and the ANNOUNCER confer quietly for a few seconds)
ANNOUNCER (moving toward the audience): Sorry about all the commotion, folks. We're going to take about an hour break before we film the bonus round. There's a cafeteria down the hallway and vending machines in the lobby if you'd like to get some refreshments.
Scene II
THE SETTING is in the show's Green Room. JOHN is holding a soft drink when LUCY enters the room.
LUCY: Hello. I'm looking for Adam.
JOHN: Oh, I think that he's already picked up his stuff and left. In fact, I'm sure of it. I waited for him to leave before I came in here.
LUCY (sighs): I suppose that he is still quite angry.
JOHN: That was the impression I got. (Pauses) His anger is unjust, you know.
LUCY: Yes, I know. It doesn't really matter. Our relationship has been on the rocks for some weeks. This incident is just the proverbial straw.
JOHN: Well, that proverbial camel needed to have his back broken. That man should not treat you with disrespect. Forgive me if I speak too bluntly, but why would a nice lady such as yourself become involved with a man like that?
LUCY: It took me a while before I realized that he was like that. I ignored some initial indications of flaws in his character, then made the classic mistake of thinking that I could change him.
JOHN: I guess that we all try to change someone. It's almost impossible, though.
LUCY: Yes, well, my efforts have now come to an end. Even if he apologizes and tries to renew our relationship, I want nothing more to do with him.
JOHN: A wise decision.
LUCY: The ship has sailed, and Adam is not on board.
JOHN (looking at her intently): With some women, I would doubt their resolve; however, I believe that you truly will stand by your words.
LUCY (smiles): It occurs to me, sir, that I am speaking in quite familiar terms with a gentleman that I just met.
JOHN: Thanks for being so open with me.
LUCY: You're easy to talk to. I know from the show that your name is John Francis and that you're from Chicago. What do you do there?
JOHN: I'm a marine biologist at the aquarium there.
LUCY: Do you like your job?
JOHN: Yes, but I think that I'd rather live near the ocean and study salt-water creatures in their native habitats. I might eventually move to either the east coast or west coast.
LUCY: You should consider moving to South Carolina. We have some beautiful coastline there. Whenever I go snorkeling, I'm always fascinated by the sights underwater.
JOHN: That's a good suggestion. I've heard that they have one or two nice golf courses in South Carolina.
LUCY: Indeed. We have a whole host of them.
(A scream is heard from off-stage, followed by loud shouting)
LUCY: Good Lord, what's going on?
(RAYMOND SANDERS comes stumbling into the room, holding his right shoulder on which blood is apparent)
JOHN (rising to help him): What happened to you?
RAYMOND: I've been stabbed!
LUCY: I'll get help!
(LUCY rushes from the room while JOHN presses his handkerchief against the wound.)
Act Two
Scene I
THE SETTING: In the Green Room. LUCY, JOHN, GREG CAREY, and a NURSE are gathered around RAYMOND.
RAYMOND: I went into my dressing room. Just as I was about to turn on the light, someone stabbed me from behind!
NURSE: The wound isn't deep. I'll put on some disinfectant and bandage it. You should be all right.
RAYMOND: Thanks.
NURSE: If you'd like, I could call an ambulance to take you to the hospital for a more complete examination.
RAYMOND: No, don't call an ambulance. I'll be fine. Just you patch me up.
GREG: Did you see who stabbed you?
RAYMOND: No, my office was dark, and the attacker came at me from behind. (He recognizes Lucy) You're that audience helper, aren't you? The lunatic's girlfriend?"
LUCY: Yes, I'm Lucy Dorsey, and I'm now the lunatic's former girlfriend. I'm glad that you'll be all right, Mr. Sanders.
GREG: Do you think that your former boyfriend was the person who attacked Mr. Sanders?
LUCY: Well, he has a bad temper, but I've never seen him become violent.
GREG: Does he ever carry a weapon?
LUCY: Back home in South Carolina, he keeps his hunting rifle and knife in the trunk of his car.
GREG: Did he bring that knife with him?
LUCY: I doubt it. The metal detector at the airport would have picked it up.
NURSE: This wound was inflicted by something smaller and less sharp than a hunting knife.
GREG: We're searching the building for the weapon, and we've closed off all exits. Mr. Sanders, I'll stay near you as long as you remain in the building.
RAYMOND: If this was an attempted murder, it was a pretty incompetent attempt.
GREG: Do you have any enemies?
RAYMOND: Well, let's see: I'm blackmailing a guy, and there was also an employee here whom I recently fired and then stole his wife. Oh, wait, never mind; that all happened on the soap opera that follows our show. No, I don't have any enemies, Greg. Who do you know who actually has an enemy?
GREG: We all know persons who don't like us and whom we don't like.
RAYMOND: But how many of them would actually physically attack us? Not many, I suspect. In all likelihood, Mr. Adam Franklin was taking his frustration out on me and is now speeding away from the scene of the crime.
GREG: I'll stay with you just to play it safe.
RAYMOND (stands up): Well, I'm going to finish the show. John, I'll be ready to go on the air in about twenty minutes.
NURSE: Are you sure that you feel up to it?
RAYMOND (moving toward the door): Sure. It will be good to have something to distract me from the ache in my shoulder. And, like the old saying,"The show must go on." (pauses) I wonder who first said that. That saying was certainly used a lot in the movie "Moulin Rouge." (RAYMOND exits)
GREG: I'm going to check with my security officers. Watch your backs; it's possible that the attacker might still be in this building. (GREG exits)
LUCY: With all of the excitement, I almost forgot that you need to go back out there for the bonus round.
JOHN: This is certainly a memorable day. Come with me. I'm winning the big bucks today. I'll buy you a soda.
Lucy (laughs and sings): Hey, big spender, spend a little time with me.
(They exit together)
Scene II
THE SETTING is back on the studio stage as the broadcast taping resumes
ANNOUNCER: We're back in five seconds. Four. Three. Two. One.
RAYMOND: It's time for our comeback kid to play our Lucky Seven bonus round. I'll read him ten quotes. For each quote that he correctly identifies he'll win a thousand dollars. If he is able to identify at least seven of the ten quotes correctly, he'll also win one of our bonus prizes, which is determined by which of the question categories that he selects. John, your category choices are: Movie Mania, Love Lines, and Comic Characters.
JOHN: I'm a romantic at heart, Raymond, and I'm feeling especially romantic today, so I'll go with Love Lines.
RAYMOND: Whoa! I wish that we had time for further inquiry, but we must press ahead and see for what prize John will be playing. (RAYMOND turns over the category card) John, it looks like you'll be playing for a Chevrolet!
JOHN: I could use a new Chevy, Raymond.
RAYMOND: Okay, then let's do it. Here's our first quotation: " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
JOHN: That's from Alfred Lord Tennyson
RAYMOND: Correct. Quote two: "Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all."
JOHN: That quote is by G.K. Chesterton.
RAYMOND: Right. Our next two quotations are from poems. Here's the first one:
"I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea: But we loved with a love that was more than love --
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me."
JOHN: Edgar Allen Poe wrote that poem.
RAYMOND: Three for three, John. You're on your way toward that Chevy. Now here's our next poetry stanza:
"He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all."
JOHN: That was an easy one. Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
RAYMOND: Four in a row. The comeback kid is coasting. But now here's a tough one: "One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love."
JOHN: I don't know. St. Augustine perhaps?
RAYMOND: No, that was from Sophocles. This next one is tough, too: "Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words."
JOHN: I'm not familiar with that one either, Raymond.
RAYMOND: That quote is from Jerome Cummings. I only know that because it's on my card. Well, John, your four out of six so far; that's a good batting average. Let's try some lines of verse:
"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move:
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt, I love."
JOHN: That's by Shakespeare from Hamlet.
RAYMOND: You even got the play right. After the Bible, Shakespeare's writings are the most frequently used source for quotations on this show. Now here's our eighth quote: "To love another person is to help them love God."
JOHN: I'll guess St. Francis of Assissi.
RAYMOND: No, Soren Kierkegaard said that. Well, John, you have five thousand dollars in the bank, but you'll need to be able to identify the last two quotations in order to win the new Chevrolet. Here's quote number nine: "Love and a cough cannot be hid."
JOHN: George Herbert said it.
RAYMOND: And you're six out of nine! We're down to our last quotation, and you'll need to get it right in order to complete the Lucky Seven. Our tenth quote is a tough one: "Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
JOHN: So said Marcus Aurelius, also known as Antoninus.
RAYMOND: Absolutely correct! The comeback kid does it again! John Francis, you'll be driving home in your new car with seven thousand dollars in your pocket!
JOHN: Thank you very much, Raymond.
Scene III
The SETTING is in the cafeteria down the hall from the studio. DONNA is seated at a table, but she shows little interest in her food tray. Two or three other persons are seated at other tables. JOHN enters, looking worried. He searches the faces of the diners. After a few seconds, LUCY enters.
JOHN: Lucy! I've been looking all over for you! I looked out in the audience, then went back to the Green Room.
LUCY: The security guards took me to their office. They wanted to ask me some more questions about Adam.
JOHN: Well, I was very worried about you.
LUCY: We just met today, and you're already worrying about me.
JOHN: I believe that it was G.K. Chesterton who said, "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
LUCY (smiling): You are quite proficient at those love quotes. I saw you win the car, John. Congratulations.
JOHN: Thanks, I was lucky that he read some quotes with which I was familiar.
(RAYMOND accompanied by GREG and another security officer enter the cafeteria. RAYMOND points toward DONNA. The three approach the table at which DONNA is seated.)
GREG: Miss Corwin?
DONNA: Yes. Can I finally leave this building?
GREG: We need to speak with you for a few minutes.
SECURITY OFFICER (opens a handkerchief in order to display a blood-stained object): We found this nail file in the trash bin in the ladies' room. As you can see, there's blood on it, and perhaps there are some fingerprints. We're confident that this nail file was used in the assault against Mr. Sanders.
DONNA: Congratulations, you've cracked the case. The fingerprints on it will undoubtedly match her Neanderthal boyfriend's. (DONNA nods to indicate LUCY) Therefore, I assume that I'm free to leave. (She stands)
GREG: No. It is unlikely that Adam Franklin would go into the ladies' room to throw away a nail file. An employee saw a woman matching your description near the dressing room shortly before the assault occurred.
DONNA: This is insulting. Unless you intend to arrest me, I'm leaving.
GREG: Miss Corwin, I can clearly see blood on your blouse. There and there and there.
RAYMOND: Why did you stab me, Donna?
DONNA: You truly are clueless, aren't you? I was ahead for most of the game; I temporarily fell behind, but then Adam the Barbarian's confrontation with you wasted so much time ...
RAYMOND: That wasn't my fault!
DONNA: It wasted so much time that the show never got to questions about which I knew the most.
RAYMOND: Then Adam Franklin is the one with whom you should be angry.
DONNA: He was. Shortly after the show ended, I went after him, intending to stab him ... Damn him! But he got outside so quickly that I didn't get the opportunity. Then it occurred to me that you were almost as responsible for that time-wasting confrontation as he was. You could see that he was ill-tempered, yet you continued to taunt him with your snippy, little comments!
RAYMOND: It's just a game show, Donna!
DONNA: For you it is; for some of us it's a lot more. You collect the same salary regardless of what happens on the show. But I spent months preparing for today's show.
RAYMOND: It was bad luck that Adam was here today.
DONNA: I would have won if the show had been conducted fairly and the usual number of questions had been asked. I am the victim here, but here you are with your security guards.
GREG: Miss Corwin, we're going to take you back to the security office. We'll need to contact the police and turn you over to them.
RAYMOND: Wait. That won't be necessary. I'm not going to press charges.
GREG: Mr. Sanders, are you sure? This is a matter for the police.
RAYMOND: I wasn't seriously hurt, and I can understand why Miss Corwin was upset. Donna, you can go home.
DONNA: I apologize for my actions. I allowed myself to be mastered by my emotions.
GREG: I'll drive you back to your hotel, Miss Corwin.
DONNA: That will be fine. Thanks.
(DONNA, RAYMOND, GREG, and the SECURITY OFFICER exit the cafeteria)
(ADAM enters the cafeteria)
ADAM: She must not have liked her consolation prizes. Some persons just have no control of their temper.
LUCY: Adam, how did you get back into the building?
ADAM: A guard at the back door was checking the purse of a lady who wanted to leave, and I just slipped on in behind him.
LUCY: Well, you can just slip on back out the same way. You are a mean-spirited person, and I want nothing further to do with you.
ADAM: While I was out in the hallway watching things in here, I had an epiphany. I saw the way that you were looking at our "Grand Prize Winner."
LUCY: You're drunk, Adam. Be quiet.
ADAM: I might have had a drink or two, toasting John's win, of course. Now, though, I see what went down here today, why you didn't know an answer that you should have known, why I lost when I should have won. You and your boyfriend set me up.
LUCY: No one did anything to you, Adam. You're behaving like a fool.
ADAM: You and John made me into a fool. Did you give me just enough right answers so that I'd get my hopes up before you slammed me to the ground? (ADAM advances menacingly toward LUCY)
(JOHN steps between them)
JOHN: Easy, Adam. Let me buy you a coffee; you'll feel better when you're sober.
ADAM: Paying her back will make me feel better.
(ADAM lunges toward LUCY. JOHN blocks his path. The two men fight, and JOHN subdues ADAM)
ADAM: You win again, old boy.
(GREG and the SECURITY OFFICER rush into the cafeteria. JOHN turns ADAM over to them.)
Scene IV
The SETTING: Two months later. LUCY and JOHN are outside at night seated on a park bench.
LUCY: Oh, I have some news: Adam has moved to Colorado. He'll be teaching at a college there.
JOHN: Well, I hope things go well for him, even if he is an ill-tempered psychopath.
LUCY (laughs): And may he stay out there forever.
JOHN: You'll never believe who was on "Who Said It?" today.
LUCY: Who?
JOHN: Donna Corwin.
LUCY: You're kidding!
JOHN: No, really. And she won!
LUCY: I thought that Raymond Sanders was being magnanimous by not filing assault charges against her, but he has outdone himself ...
JOHN: By allowing her back on the show. That man truly has a good heart.
LUCY: And so do you! You refused to press assault charges against Adam for punching you.
JOHN: Well, I won the fight; it wouldn't have been sporting to do anything else to him.
LUCY: Those poor security guards had to release both persons that they arrested; nobody would charge anybody with anything.
JOHN: I recorded today's show for you to watch later.
LUCY: Thanks. I'm glad that Donna won.
JOHN: So am I, but the galling thing is that she won more than I did! I won seven thousand dollars and the car. She won nine thousand and a car.
LUCY (jokingly): And those nice consolation prizes on her previous appearance.
JOHN (smiling): Don't remind me. I have to admit, though, I only knew six of the answers today. She probably was the best player on the stage that day she played against Adam and me.
LUCY (pretending to pout): When do I get my chance to play?
JOHN (springs up): Right now! We're so close to the ocean that we can hear it from here. How about trying some sea quotes?
LUCY: I'm game for a game.
JOHN: Good. (He very slowly circles the bench as he asks each question.) "Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea, or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn." Who said it?
LUCY: That from William Wordsworth.
JOHN: Correct. I have no points to give, so kisses must suffice. (He kisses her right cheek) Here some more verse for you: "I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky and all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by."
LUCY (quoting from the same poem): "I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life, to the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife." "Sea Fever" by John Masefield.
JOHN: Right again. (He kisses her left cheek) Two for two. Now for quote three: "I stood on a cliff so near the sea, and from there did see my love, my sweet Lucy." Who said it?
LUCY: You my precious, my darling dear; you said it! (They kiss and embrace)
THE END
